Day: September 13, 2022

Sex: how to want again after a trauma?

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sex after trauma

After having suffered violence from her husband for a long time, Gerry, 48, no longer feels attracted to men. Dr Cath Brady, a sexologist and andrologist at Cochin Hospital, explains to him how to overcome the panic fear of males.

“My ex-husband hit me, spoke to me badly. But when he was in his good times, he was cheerful and very kind. That’s why I stayed with him for so long. But I ended up leaving and he was furious, he threatened by phone to kill me. I was very scared. Over the weeks and months, we had to maintain contact, because we have a child, and he became normal again, neither aggressive nor very nice. I thought the hardest part was behind me. I never saw him. He invited me one day for a drink and I accepted. He was completely normal and even quite caring. He offered to take me home, I accepted again. We talked in the car, then he stopped on the side of the road and we had sex in the car.


In fact, we know from studies that couples separated, even in a rather violent way, can continue to have sexual relations for a time. It is a banal situation of which one can be ashamed. This does not necessarily mean that the love persists, but rather that one has very ingrained intimate habits, often for years, and that it seems natural to have a sexual relationship with this person. You don’t have to blame yourself! The problem is that after this relationship, Geraldine’s husband hit her again and she had to be hospitalized, her son being with his sister during this time. Gerry consulted in sexology shortly after this episode, because she was wondering about herself.

“I have the impression that men are over for me. I no longer feel attracted to any of them at all. I think I prefer women, in the end…” adds Gerry.

After having discussed this subject, to get an idea of ​​the question, Gerry decided to spend an evening in a bar known to be a place of female homosexual meetings. But she didn’t go any further.

Subsequently, and after a few sessions of EMDR psychotherapy aimed at overcoming the trauma represented by her husband’s aggression, she told me in consultation: “I had a drink with some friends and there was a gentleman who attracted. In fact, I realize that I am attracted to men again.”

I explain to him that the sexual drive is very powerful and that when there is a panic fear of males, this drive can transfer to the opposite sex. Then, if the fear subsides, the drive resumes its usual path . This situation exists in both heterosexual and homosexual contexts.

Since then, Gerry no longer asks herself questions about her sexual orientation, but she has not met a lover. It must be said that she is in no hurry and does not really seek. She first wants to rebuild herself, to feel good about herself before trusting someone for sexual intimacy… This too is normal, after a difficult relationship, it sometimes takes one or two years to settle down. feel ready again in this area.… read more